Frequently Asked QuestionsWhat are the questions you ask when considering divorce? We have compiled a list of frequently asked questions that can serve those who feel that divorce is on their horizon. There are many factors you should consider.
What is Collaborative Divorce? Divorce Options in TexasMany couples are not aware of the choices they have to reach a resolution and may have the perception that only one option exists to dissolve a marriage. Fortunately, this perception is not accurate, and divorcing couples in Texas can choose the divorce option that is most appropriate for their individual and family needs. In Texas, approximately 95 percent of all divorce cases are settled by agreement. How couples come to an agreement about how to divide their community estate and the best arrangements for their children differs. The divorce options available in Texas include:
What is Collaborative Divorce?Collaborative Divorce is a process in which you and your spouse will each have your own specially trained and experienced Collaborative Divorce attorney and work through the issues of your case using a method known as “interest-based negotiation,” which enables spouses to formulate agreements that focus on their most important individual and mutual goals. It’s ConfidentialCollaborative Divorce is a private and confidential process. Just as in a traditional divorce, each of you will have confidential conversations with your attorney and a strategy for accomplishing your goals in the case, but in the Collaborative Divorce process, those goals are reached without destroying your relationship with your spouse or exhausting your community estate on a court battle. Collaborative Divorce professionals manage this confidential process — in an office rather than a courtroom setting — that provides the resources, structure, and emotionally safe space needed for a divorcing couple to consider their unique situation and arrive at a mutually-agreeable settlement–outside the eye of the public. It’s Client, Child and Family CenteredThe Collaborative Divorce approach is a settlement process that focuses on helping couples and their families find their way to respectful resolution, creating an emotionally safe environment for the parties to express their interests and goals, negotiate and resolve their conflict without going to court. The Collaborative Divorce process recognizes that, even though a marriage may be ending, relationships and obligations often continue, especially when children are involved. It allows spouses to formulate agreements that focus on their most important individual and mutual goals. This process helps all family members, even extended family, learn how to move forward in a positive way – focused on the future, rather than dwelling on arguments and disputes of the past. The Collaborative Divorce process results in solutions that enable each person impacted by divorce – especially children – to have the best post-divorce lives possible. Parents divorcing collaboratively are better able to protect their children from the damaging effects of a highly contentious divorce and preserve more of their mutual respect for each other as parents. Introducing the idea of Collaborative Divorce to your spouse.It is important for both husband and wife to believe that the Collaborative Divorce approach is the best way for them to get a divorce process. If your relationship with your spouse is cordial, you can give him or her information about the process and website references. However, if you think your spouse might be more likely to appreciate the information if it comes from a source other than you, brainstorm with your attorney about options for informing your spouse about Collaborative Divorce. Think about what approach would appeal to your spouse as well as what might upset him or her. Here are some possible ways to introduce your spouse to Collaborative Divorce:
How do I get started and who is on the Collaborative Team?Trained Collaborative Divorce AttorneysIn the Collaborative Divorce process, each spouse will have his or her own attorney to represent their individual interests. The attorneys should be trained in Collaborative Law and be committed to the Collaborative Divorce process. Having an attorney trained in the Collaborative Divorce process and committed to it ensures the best chance for successfully resolving the case out of court. Just like in a traditional divorce, each spouse and his or her attorney will have confidential conversations and a strategy for accomplishing their personal goals in the case, but the process by which those goals are reached does not require destroying the relationship between the spouses or spending the community estate on a court battle. Collaborative Divorce attorneys are specially trained to reach the clients’ goals by what is known as “interest-based negotiation,” which is a method that enables the outcome to be less destructive than that attained in a mediation or a trial. Neutral Collaborative Divorce ProfessionalsOne Collaborative Divorce Client said, “I learned from that meeting that the Collaborative team was going to make sure that my voice was heard during our meetings – just as they were going to make sure I was aware of my husband’s interests. I began to actually look forward to our meetings in a strange way because I felt stronger and more in control of my life after each one.” –Collaborative Law Client Like the attorneys, Neutral Collaborative Divorce Professionals are also specially trained in the Collaborative Divorce process, but rather than representing a party’s individual interest, without taking sides, the “neutrals” help the parties create and design options that will enable the parties to meet their individual goals and interests while reaching their common goals and the best overall outcome for all involved, whether a couple or a family. Neutral Collaborative Divorce professionals are able to provide the divorcing couple with unbiased information necessary to resolve their case–a concept unique to Collaborative Divorce. In litigation cases, the husband and wife hire competing experts to support their respective positions at trial, causing further damage to the parties’ post-divorce relationship and at a significant cost. How do I select a divorce attorney?The following are guidelines to consider when selecting a divorce attorney who is the right fit for your needs: ExperienceThere is no guarantee that an experienced attorney will be better for you than one who has been practicing for a shorter time, but it is reasonable to start with the idea that the more experienced lawyer will have a better idea about what other local lawyers are like and what might happen if you take your case before a specific judge in your community. Experience in handling divorces is crucial, not just years of general legal experience. Divorce law is complex and complicated, so research who in your community has been representing clients in divorces for a number of years. Members of Collaborative Divorce Texas with additional training and experience may further distinguish themselves by seeking one of the two following designations: Credentialed Collaborative Professional or Master Credentialed Collaborative Professional. All collaborative professionals who have earned one of these designations have been thoroughly reviewed and found to meet stringent criteria. To be recognized as “Credentialed,” a collaborative professional must have satisfied specific standards of education and training, demonstrated substantial case experience, and must have passed a confidential peer reference process. To be recognized as “Master Credentialed,” a collaborative professional must have met all of the requirements to be Credentialed and must have significant additional case experience, as well as provided notable leadership and service to the collaborative community. Personality and Practice StylePeople who are getting divorced often feel vulnerable and lost. Your family lawyer’s personality should reassure you while not giving you unrealistic expectations about the outcome of your case. The right lawyer for you will listen to how you feel your case should proceed, then build on that information using his or her expertise, skill, and experience. Think about how a lawyer makes you feel when you are in his or her office. Does it seem like people in the office are interested in your well-being? Are they courteous and respectful? During your first visit with an attorney, you will probably see the best he or she has to offer because the attorney and staff will want to make a good impression on potential clients. How Do I Talk to My Spouse About Collaborative Divorce?Introducing the idea of Collaborative Divorce to your spouse. It is important for both husband and wife to believe that the Collaborative Divorce approach is the best way for them to get a divorce process. If your relationship with your spouse is cordial, you can give him or her information about the process and website references. However, if you think your spouse might be more likely to appreciate the information if it comes from a source other than you, brainstorm with your attorney about options for informing your spouse about Collaborative Divorce. Think about what approach would appeal to your spouse as well as what might upset him or her. Here are some possible ways to introduce your spouse to Collaborative Divorce:
How can I minimize the effects of our divorce on our children?How Parents Interact During and After the Divorce: Perhaps the Single Most Important Factor in Determining How Your Children Adjust to the Divorce Almost all divorcing couples will experience a certain amount of hostility toward each other during their divorce, and that conflict sometimes continues for a time following the divorce while the family adjusts to its new structure. But when conflict continues for years, the negative consequences for the children can be profound. The more intense the conflict between parents, the greater the potential for damage to children. Likewise, the longer conflicts continue, the greater the risk of long-term negative effects on children. Many factors that determine a child’s adjustment to divorce are beyond your control:
You and your ex-spouse may be raising children together for years to come, and even if your children are grown, you will continue to parent them for the rest of your lives. How you and your ex interact during and after the divorce may be the most important factor in determining how your children adjust to the divorce. Working towards an effective co-parenting relationship from the moment you make the decision to divorce is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. Your Child’s PerspectiveChildren love both parents and see themselves as being part mom and part dad. When one parent attacks the other – even where no physical violence is present – children feel personally injured. Avoid discussing these subjects with and around your children:
You damage your children and inhibit their ability to adjust to a new situation when you put them in the middle of communication between their parents. Tips for parents going through a divorce:
While it is crucial to support and listen to your children, children can often benefit from additional support and comfort from people other than their parents during and after divorce. Children are often highly attuned to a parent’s emotional state and children can take on the task of helping mom or dad to feel better — sometimes at the expense of their own emotional well-being. In addition, children typically find it difficult to be completely open with their parents about their experience of the divorce. Both parents will likely be more emotionally fragile than normal as they find their own ways to heal and regroup after divorce, so outside resources can be most helpful. Resources for Your Child and Family:Information about helping children adjust to divorce is frequently available at the community level through child and family service agencies, and many therapists specialize in helping families transition through divorce. Therapy provides a safe place for a child to speak openly and attend to his or her needs without having to worry about hurting a parent’s feelings. School teachers are excellent sources of information about how your child is adjusting outside of the home, and school counselors can be a good starting point for conversations between your child and a therapist. How do I cope during my divorce?Remember what the flight attendants say about the oxygen mask when you are traveling with children? That’s right–they tell you to put your mask on first so that you will be able to help the others who need you. Going through a divorce is just like that oxygen mask advice. Now is the time to take care of yourself. The emotional stress of divorce can manifest itself in any number of ways. One person might be more susceptible to illness than usual; another might find it hard to concentrate at work; you might have far less patience with the people you care about, particularly your children. It is critical for you to find ways to help you relieve stress and stay centered. Strategies for staying healthy throughout your divorce include: (NOTE: Before engaging in a divorce recovery group, journaling, or talking to friends and family, it is a good idea to clear that with your attorney as there are potential risks to those activities)
Be gentle and generous with yourself during this challenging time – this is the rainy day that you have always saved for. Seek the courage to experience this painful transition as deeply as you can bear. In doing so, you will ultimately find relief, compassion, and understanding. Divorces resolved through the Collaborative Divorce model are less traumatic than litigated divorces, but that does not mean they are easy. Most of the legal side of your divorce requires you to make business decisions – right at the time when you are not thinking clearly. Doing your best to handle your emotions outside of the joint meeting room will result in a smoother process and a more beneficial result for all concerned. How can I minimize my financial loss and protect my assets with a financial professional in the Collaborative Process?What do financial neutrals do on the Collaborative Divorce team?Neutral financial professionals, such as Certified Public Accountants (CPA), Certified Financial Planners (CFP™), and Certified Divorce Financial Advisors (CDFA), are trained in the Collaborative Divorce process and join the Collaborative Divorce team as neutrals – they will not be on your side or your spouse’s side. Their overall role is to help you understand enough about your finances to make informed decisions (with your attorney). Because there is only one neutral financial professional in your divorce (as opposed to both of you having your own financial professional in litigation), they can save you money. Neutral financial professionals are usually the most highly trained, experienced, and efficient professionals to help you accomplish most of the financial tasks for your divorce. The neutral collaborative financial professional can help you and your spouse:
How can I maintain my privacy during my divorce?A Divorce can be a Very Public EventHearings and trials are open to the public–anyone can come in and watch. Almost everyone has an interest in keeping some information out of the public eye. Details about people’s personal lives, habits, health, and relationships are generally considered not to be for publication. Likewise, business executives and professionals do not want friends, relatives, or competitors to know details about their business or profession. The threat of publicity can become a coercive weapon. In addition to hearings in court, motions (some with affidavits alleging bad behavior attached), pleadings, lists of assets, and sworn statements are all filed with the court clerk. Even with recent rules that limit the general public’s access to those records, there is always a danger that those documents will make their way into the public eye. Collaborative Divorce is PrivateProtecting privacy is one of the most important advantages of Collaborative Divorce. Minimal paperwork is filed with the court, and the papers that are filed generally contain no facts specific to the people involved in the case. The only time anyone appears in court in a Collaborative Divorce case is to present the Agreed Final Decree for the judge’s approval and signature in a short hearing that usually takes less than five minutes. Will this ever end? I’m ready for this to be over…As with any loss, you will go through stages of grief, ideally arriving at a state of acceptance. Not only does this afford you the peace and contentment you so richly deserve, but it also positions you to make clear and thoughtful decisions regarding your future. Take the time to process the loss: accept the love and support of your family and friends, see a therapist and talk through your emotional experience, join a divorce recovery group, explore meditation or yoga. Allow this loss to find a place in your identity that doesn’t define that identity, but instead enriches it. If you find yourself unable to break free of an overwhelming sense of grief, seek professional help. Divorce frequently brings changes to your social life. Engaging in activities that you enjoy, that bring you into contact with others who have similar interests, can be an excellent way to explore new social networks and make new friends: take a cooking class, join a cycling group, look up the local chapter of the Sierra Club, volunteer for an organization you support. This is a time to explore and rediscover what brings you joy. If you are feeling peaceful about your divorce, with some understanding of what happened and how to minimize the chances of that history repeating itself, you’ll bring a great foundation to new relationships. If the wound from the end of your relationship does not yet feel fully healed, consider concentrating on new friendships instead of romance until you know you are ready for that next step. No matter how you and your ex managed finances, once divorced, you are responsible for establishing and maintaining a household entirely on your own. This is a good time to assess your financial situation, establish some goals, and begin working with a budget. Draw up a new will, plan for retirement and organize your business affairs to reflect your newly independent status. Finances can be a tremendous source of anxiety as you launch your new life–gathering information to help you understand your situation and enable you to make informed decisions can go a long way towards calming that anxiety. If you are a parent, a lot will have changed for your family as a result of this divorce. The best gift you can give yourself and your children is to establish a workable parenting relationship with your ex-spouse. Start a dialogue as soon as possible to lay the groundwork for a two-household approach to parenting. Establishing a life after divorce can be daunting, but it can also give you a sense of accomplishment, for some, it can even be exciting. This IS an opportunity, with lots of changes and – perhaps – some tremendous improvements. It’s a time for exploration; a time to see what feels good to you and fits in your life. You may try some things and say, “Never again!” but the opportunity is there to get in touch with some undiscovered parts of yourself. As much as you can, stay open and be courageous! How can we resolve divorce out of court?Most people do not start out wanting to go to Court for their divorce. However, many people do not realize that if you do not officially handle your divorce as a Collaborative Divorce, you are in the litigation process, which may eventually result in a settlement, but in the meantime, it can also include hearings in court, discovery in the form of written questions sent back and forth between the parties (their attorneys), depositions, mediation, and trial. If your case ends up going to a hearing or trial, a judge, who has probably never met your family and may never see your again, will hear all the details of your case in court and will have control of the outcome of all the issues in your case. The problem is unless you are officially in a Collaborative Divorce, you lose control of how your case is handled, and it can often become very litigious without you or your spouse meaning for it too. In a Collaborative Divorce, the only appearance in court is a very short and discrete presentation of the Agreed Decree of Divorce to the judge for his or her signature. A Collaborative Divorce–the best out-of-court solution–is handled privately, in the offices of the clients’ attorneys, with the clients, who know the most about their case and their children, having the ultimate decision-making power, input, and control over their family’s future. How can I preserve relationships with a collaborative divorce?The Collaborative Divorce process gives couples the opportunity to divorce in a way that will preserve their relationships with their children, (no matter what the ages of their children), their extended families, and even their mutual friendships. The Collaborative Divorce process brings a team of professionals together to help couples restructure their relationship in an environment that does not pit them against each other so that when they need to both be present at an event for their children, family, or friends, they are able to do so. Recitals, “Meet the Teacher” nights, proms, graduations, weddings, and baptisms are life events that family members and friends need to be able to enjoy rather than dread. As Mike Gregory, a long-time Denton County family lawyer illustrated, “You want your children to have butterflies in their stomachs because they are concerned about remembering their music for their piano recital, NOT because of their concern about how their parents will behave towards one another.” The Collaborative Divorce process gives couples the opportunity to divorce in a way that will preserve their relationships with their children, (no matter what the ages of their children), their extended families, and even their mutual friendships. The Collaborative Divorce process brings a team of professionals together to help couples restructure their relationship in an environment that does not pit them against each other so that when they need to both be present at an event for their children, family, or friends, they are able to do so. Recitals, “Meet the Teacher” nights, proms, graduations, weddings, and baptisms are life events that family members and friends need to be able to enjoy rather than dread. As Mike Gregory, a long-time Denton County family lawyer illustrated, “You want your children to have butterflies in their stomachs because they are concerned about remembering their music for their piano recital, NOT because of their concern about how their parents will behave towards one another.” |